Reverberations of Big Bang Rivaled by Sound of Creationist’s Head Exploding

scanners

Harvard researchers detected the most compelling evidence of the Big Bang to date in March when they determined that gravitation waves rippled through the fabric of spacetime. But the results were nearly thrown off by an alarming BOOM out of East Bumfuck, where it was reported a congregant of Ken Ham’s Creationist School, Chip Steen’s head spontaneously burst into a bloody mess of skull splinters, gray matter and coarse black hair. Chairman of East Bumfuck’s Education Board, Mr. Steen had just ordered textbooks for all the elementary schools in his district, and several copies of Ham’s Did Adam Have a Bellybutton? were found studded with shattered teeth dislodged by the explosion, along with eyelashes, shit that resembles pasta salad…you name it. East Bumfuck Chief of Police Bob Nadeau explained, “Chip’s poor head just busted apart as if, I don’t know, as if one of Gallagher’s watermelons got  trampled by one of the dinosaurs walking off Noah’s ark or something!” While residents of East Bumfuck and Steen’s family were visibly shaken by his passing, they cited that the soothing voice of Neil deGrasse Tyson referring to our mortal bodies as “starstuff” on FOX’s Cosmos gave them a kind of peace that one woman claimed she “wouldn’t expect from the blacks she sees on TV.” The investigation continues.

The Goddamn Glenn Show, with Goddamn Glenn and Anngelle Wood

Who Said It? Neil deGrasse Tyson or Rust Cohle?

Who Said It? Neil deGrasse Tyson or Rust Cohle?

Last night we watched two very different men stare into the cosmic gyre and confront the mysteries of the universe. Two men, existing at the very same time, in two very different dimensions (unless you DVRd one or have several televisions).Those dimensions are National Geographic and HBO. And those men are Neil deGrasse Tyson and Rust Cohle played by Matthew McConaughey on True Detective.  Both are given to provocative philosophical statements that cause us to ponder our place in the universe. That is until something else comes on and you realize your place in the universe is on the goddamn sofa.

Can you guess who is responsible for each quote?

“For me, I am driven by two main philosophies: know more today about the world than I knew yesterday and lessen the suffering of others. You’d be surprised how far that gets you.”

“Purpose, meaning. So certain that they were more than a biological puppet. Truth wills out, everybody sees once the strings are cut off all down.” “God is an ever receding pocket of scientific ignorance.”

“Time is a flat circle.”

“The more I learn about the universe, the less convinced I am that there’s any sort of benevolent force that has anything to do with it, at all.”

“I am convinced that the act of thinking logically cannot possibly be natural to the human mind.”

“The hubris it must take to yank a soul out of non existence, into this, meat.”

“Once there was only dark. If you ask me, the light is winning.”

“Ascendant meat, however illusory our identities are, we craft those identities by making value judgements.”

“You, yourself, this whole big drama, it was never more than a jerry rig of presumption and dumb will, and you could just let go. To finally know that you didn’t have to hold on so tight. To realize that all your life, all your love, all your hate, all your memories, all your pain, it was all the same thing.”

“It’s not that we are better than the universe, we are part of the universe. We are in the universe and the universe is in us.”

“Certain linguistic anthropologists think that religion is a language virus that rewrites pathways in the brain.” “There are broader ideas at work, mainly what is owed between us as a society for our mutual illusions.”
“The problem, often not discovered until late in life, is that when you look for things in life like love, meaning, motivation, it implies they are sitting behind a tree or under a rock.”

ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS AND GLIMPSE OF THE YELLOW KING CAN BE FOUND HERE

GDG (You’re welcome for the beer and sorry for wasting your fucking afternoon). (Catch The Goddamn Glenn Show EVERY Thursday night 6-8PM EST on Dig Radio!)