Reverberations of Big Bang Rivaled by Sound of Creationist’s Head Exploding

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Harvard researchers detected the most compelling evidence of the Big Bang to date in March when they determined that gravitation waves rippled through the fabric of spacetime. But the results were nearly thrown off by an alarming BOOM out of East Bumfuck, where it was reported a congregant of Ken Ham’s Creationist School, Chip Steen’s head spontaneously burst into a bloody mess of skull splinters, gray matter and coarse black hair. Chairman of East Bumfuck’s Education Board, Mr. Steen had just ordered textbooks for all the elementary schools in his district, and several copies of Ham’s Did Adam Have a Bellybutton? were found studded with shattered teeth dislodged by the explosion, along with eyelashes, shit that resembles pasta salad…you name it. East Bumfuck Chief of Police Bob Nadeau explained, “Chip’s poor head just busted apart as if, I don’t know, as if one of Gallagher’s watermelons got  trampled by one of the dinosaurs walking off Noah’s ark or something!” While residents of East Bumfuck and Steen’s family were visibly shaken by his passing, they cited that the soothing voice of Neil deGrasse Tyson referring to our mortal bodies as “starstuff” on FOX’s Cosmos gave them a kind of peace that one woman claimed she “wouldn’t expect from the blacks she sees on TV.” The investigation continues.

The Goddamn Glenn Show, with Goddamn Glenn and Anngelle Wood

Many Massachusetts Women Over 40 Surveyed Are Okay With State’s Supreme Judicial Court Ruling On Upskirt Photos

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8 out of 10 Massachusetts women over 40 surveyed said they were “okay” with the state’s Supreme Judicial Court ruling upskirt photos legal. Those surveyed in the organic produce section of Whole Foods said they were also “totally cool” with getting carded for Pinot Grigio and being told by their daughter’s male violin teacher they look 35.

Two of the 10 women surveyed said they just have this old flip phone thing and had to leave to pick their kids up from soccer.

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