In Nod to International Women’s Day, Entirety of CPAC 2014 Held Inside Vagina

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Attendees of the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) 2014 are taking International Women’s Day very seriously this weekend, going so far as holding all three days of the conference inside a woman’s vagina. Paul Ryan and Todd Akin marveled at the sturdy, rape-intuitive design of its Fallopian architecture. Rush Limbaugh could be seen rolling a giant aspirin into the cervix. Meanwhile, Michele Bachmann’s husband spent most of the event circling the block unable to find his way inside the venue.

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Pilot Program Gives Boston Patron of Whiskey Priest Extra Hour of Losing Dignity Trying to Talk to Her

Pilot Program Gives Boston Patrons of Whiskey Priest an Extra Hour of Losing Dignity Trying to Talk to Her
Boston Mayor Marty Walsh has excited some business owners and nightlife enthusiasts with a pilot program to keep bars open past 3AM…but none more excited than the desperate asshole with the popped collar who just ordered another Jägerbomb at Whiskey Priest. The good news is that the program could bring the nightlife of Boston more in step with that of other world class American cities. The bad news is that he’s going to be intermittently staring you down for another sixty awkward and unstimulating minutes. The good news is that it means more sales and tips for restaurant and bar owners, helping the local economy. The bad news is that, given time for one more drink, he’ll actually have the balls to walk over and try to start a conversation with you…and then who knows how long it will take to shake him?? The good news is that, if successful, the pilot program could result in extended hours for other Boston neighborhoods. The bad news is that, in the meantime, you’ll have to count on the patrons of Whiskey Priest NOT to get shithouse drunk and drive into the ICA, start a fatal bro fight, or sexually assault someone, and instead set an overall good example. Oh shit, popped collar is walking over here.

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Americans Disappointed Approaching Asteroid Not Measured in Football Fields

Americans Disappointed Approaching Asteroid Not Measured in Football FieldsAs newly discovered asteroid DX110 hurtles past our planet at a distance closer than that of our moon, most Americans are more concerned at the scientific community’s notable omission of exactly how many football fields wide the space rock actually is. “They usually say it’s as big as 3, 4, or 5 football fields,” explains Frank, a patron of Casey’s on Broadway in Winter Hill.  “But not this time, which makes me think they’re not telling us something. I mean, we could be one red cunt hair away from total annihilation, and they won’t put it in a language we can all understand!” In an effort to calm a rattled public, scientists have confirmed that the asteroid is approximately 100 feet wide, (.2778 football fields long, Frank.)

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Many Massachusetts Women Over 40 Surveyed Are Okay With State’s Supreme Judicial Court Ruling On Upskirt Photos

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8 out of 10 Massachusetts women over 40 surveyed said they were “okay” with the state’s Supreme Judicial Court ruling upskirt photos legal. Those surveyed in the organic produce section of Whole Foods said they were also “totally cool” with getting carded for Pinot Grigio and being told by their daughter’s male violin teacher they look 35.

Two of the 10 women surveyed said they just have this old flip phone thing and had to leave to pick their kids up from soccer.

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Catholics Signal Silent Support for Gays in St. Pat’s Parade with Forehead Smudge

Happy Smudge Day!
Catholics worldwide on Wednesday are staging a silent protest today in support of gay rights, specifically as they pertain to their demand to marching in South Boston’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade. “It’s supposed to be a shamrock, but I guess it could be confused for a cross. Anyhow, it sure fools the homophobes,” explained one parishioner, gleefully tapping his forehead. Regardless of faith, supporters of the movement can also show their solidarity by reaching out to a stranger and wiping the smudge from their forehead. Mayor Marty Walsh, both a Catholic and champion of gay rights is expected to participate in the silent protest. He has declined to comment.

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Introducing…GDGS NEWS IN BRIEFS

GDGS News In Briefs

People always tell us they look to GDGS–not the New York Times, not the Boston Globe, and not even The Watchtower or Spare Change–but GD-goddamn-GS to get their breaking news updates. We get it. You just don’t have time for longwinded boring bullshit. You want something you can share and retweet that won’t send you to some crass registration page that forces you to delete your cookies and start all over. You want the headlines. Well, we give the best headlines this side of the Public Garden.

Therefore, we are announcing the NEXT frontier in our news media empire. A breakthrough technology sure to drive Facebook, Google and the Segway scooter all back into the goddamn Stone Age. Yup, we’re talking print media. Okay, not ink on your fingers print, but words and stuff. We’re calling it simply NEWS IN BRIEFS. Because it’s news, and because underpants. Quick, on the go updates you can read on the run, or just on the toilet. Get ready Boston. Get ready America. Because our team is excited to debrief you and fill you in all day and all night long!

(And, as always, catch us EVERY Thursday night 6-8PM EST on Dig Radio!)

Listen to GDGS: Thursdays 6-8pm on the all new Dig Radio!

GDGS is a talk show with a satirical approach to news, politics, current events, American culture, and the absurd activities that exist within. No fake bullshit.

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