Reverberations of Big Bang Rivaled by Sound of Creationist’s Head Exploding

scanners

Harvard researchers detected the most compelling evidence of the Big Bang to date in March when they determined that gravitation waves rippled through the fabric of spacetime. But the results were nearly thrown off by an alarming BOOM out of East Bumfuck, where it was reported a congregant of Ken Ham’s Creationist School, Chip Steen’s head spontaneously burst into a bloody mess of skull splinters, gray matter and coarse black hair. Chairman of East Bumfuck’s Education Board, Mr. Steen had just ordered textbooks for all the elementary schools in his district, and several copies of Ham’s Did Adam Have a Bellybutton? were found studded with shattered teeth dislodged by the explosion, along with eyelashes, shit that resembles pasta salad…you name it. East Bumfuck Chief of Police Bob Nadeau explained, “Chip’s poor head just busted apart as if, I don’t know, as if one of Gallagher’s watermelons got  trampled by one of the dinosaurs walking off Noah’s ark or something!” While residents of East Bumfuck and Steen’s family were visibly shaken by his passing, they cited that the soothing voice of Neil deGrasse Tyson referring to our mortal bodies as “starstuff” on FOX’s Cosmos gave them a kind of peace that one woman claimed she “wouldn’t expect from the blacks she sees on TV.” The investigation continues.

The Goddamn Glenn Show, with Goddamn Glenn and Anngelle Wood

Who Said It? Neil deGrasse Tyson or Rust Cohle?

Who Said It? Neil deGrasse Tyson or Rust Cohle?

Last night we watched two very different men stare into the cosmic gyre and confront the mysteries of the universe. Two men, existing at the very same time, in two very different dimensions (unless you DVRd one or have several televisions).Those dimensions are National Geographic and HBO. And those men are Neil deGrasse Tyson and Rust Cohle played by Matthew McConaughey on True Detective.  Both are given to provocative philosophical statements that cause us to ponder our place in the universe. That is until something else comes on and you realize your place in the universe is on the goddamn sofa.

Can you guess who is responsible for each quote?

“For me, I am driven by two main philosophies: know more today about the world than I knew yesterday and lessen the suffering of others. You’d be surprised how far that gets you.”

“Purpose, meaning. So certain that they were more than a biological puppet. Truth wills out, everybody sees once the strings are cut off all down.” “God is an ever receding pocket of scientific ignorance.”

“Time is a flat circle.”

“The more I learn about the universe, the less convinced I am that there’s any sort of benevolent force that has anything to do with it, at all.”

“I am convinced that the act of thinking logically cannot possibly be natural to the human mind.”

“The hubris it must take to yank a soul out of non existence, into this, meat.”

“Once there was only dark. If you ask me, the light is winning.”

“Ascendant meat, however illusory our identities are, we craft those identities by making value judgements.”

“You, yourself, this whole big drama, it was never more than a jerry rig of presumption and dumb will, and you could just let go. To finally know that you didn’t have to hold on so tight. To realize that all your life, all your love, all your hate, all your memories, all your pain, it was all the same thing.”

“It’s not that we are better than the universe, we are part of the universe. We are in the universe and the universe is in us.”

“Certain linguistic anthropologists think that religion is a language virus that rewrites pathways in the brain.” “There are broader ideas at work, mainly what is owed between us as a society for our mutual illusions.”
“The problem, often not discovered until late in life, is that when you look for things in life like love, meaning, motivation, it implies they are sitting behind a tree or under a rock.”

ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS AND GLIMPSE OF THE YELLOW KING CAN BE FOUND HERE

GDG (You’re welcome for the beer and sorry for wasting your fucking afternoon). (Catch The Goddamn Glenn Show EVERY Thursday night 6-8PM EST on Dig Radio!)

In Nod to International Women’s Day, Entirety of CPAC 2014 Held Inside Vagina

20140308-171337.jpg

Attendees of the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) 2014 are taking International Women’s Day very seriously this weekend, going so far as holding all three days of the conference inside a woman’s vagina. Paul Ryan and Todd Akin marveled at the sturdy, rape-intuitive design of its Fallopian architecture. Rush Limbaugh could be seen rolling a giant aspirin into the cervix. Meanwhile, Michele Bachmann’s husband spent most of the event circling the block unable to find his way inside the venue.

GDG

(Catch The Goddamn Glenn Show EVERY Thursday night 6-8PM EST on Dig Radio!)

Pilot Program Gives Boston Patron of Whiskey Priest Extra Hour of Losing Dignity Trying to Talk to Her

Pilot Program Gives Boston Patrons of Whiskey Priest an Extra Hour of Losing Dignity Trying to Talk to Her
Boston Mayor Marty Walsh has excited some business owners and nightlife enthusiasts with a pilot program to keep bars open past 3AM…but none more excited than the desperate asshole with the popped collar who just ordered another Jägerbomb at Whiskey Priest. The good news is that the program could bring the nightlife of Boston more in step with that of other world class American cities. The bad news is that he’s going to be intermittently staring you down for another sixty awkward and unstimulating minutes. The good news is that it means more sales and tips for restaurant and bar owners, helping the local economy. The bad news is that, given time for one more drink, he’ll actually have the balls to walk over and try to start a conversation with you…and then who knows how long it will take to shake him?? The good news is that, if successful, the pilot program could result in extended hours for other Boston neighborhoods. The bad news is that, in the meantime, you’ll have to count on the patrons of Whiskey Priest NOT to get shithouse drunk and drive into the ICA, start a fatal bro fight, or sexually assault someone, and instead set an overall good example. Oh shit, popped collar is walking over here.

GDG

(Catch The Goddamn Glenn Show EVERY Thursday night 6-8PM EST on Dig Radio!)

Americans Disappointed Approaching Asteroid Not Measured in Football Fields

Americans Disappointed Approaching Asteroid Not Measured in Football FieldsAs newly discovered asteroid DX110 hurtles past our planet at a distance closer than that of our moon, most Americans are more concerned at the scientific community’s notable omission of exactly how many football fields wide the space rock actually is. “They usually say it’s as big as 3, 4, or 5 football fields,” explains Frank, a patron of Casey’s on Broadway in Winter Hill.  “But not this time, which makes me think they’re not telling us something. I mean, we could be one red cunt hair away from total annihilation, and they won’t put it in a language we can all understand!” In an effort to calm a rattled public, scientists have confirmed that the asteroid is approximately 100 feet wide, (.2778 football fields long, Frank.)

GDG

(Catch The Goddamn Glenn Show EVERY Thursday night 6-8PM EST on Dig Radio!)

Many Massachusetts Women Over 40 Surveyed Are Okay With State’s Supreme Judicial Court Ruling On Upskirt Photos

Image

8 out of 10 Massachusetts women over 40 surveyed said they were “okay” with the state’s Supreme Judicial Court ruling upskirt photos legal. Those surveyed in the organic produce section of Whole Foods said they were also “totally cool” with getting carded for Pinot Grigio and being told by their daughter’s male violin teacher they look 35.

Two of the 10 women surveyed said they just have this old flip phone thing and had to leave to pick their kids up from soccer.

[a]

(Catch The Goddamn Glenn Show EVERY Thursday night 6-8PM EST on Dig Radio!)

Catholics Signal Silent Support for Gays in St. Pat’s Parade with Forehead Smudge

Happy Smudge Day!
Catholics worldwide on Wednesday are staging a silent protest today in support of gay rights, specifically as they pertain to their demand to marching in South Boston’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade. “It’s supposed to be a shamrock, but I guess it could be confused for a cross. Anyhow, it sure fools the homophobes,” explained one parishioner, gleefully tapping his forehead. Regardless of faith, supporters of the movement can also show their solidarity by reaching out to a stranger and wiping the smudge from their forehead. Mayor Marty Walsh, both a Catholic and champion of gay rights is expected to participate in the silent protest. He has declined to comment.

GDG

(Catch The Goddamn Glenn Show EVERY Thursday night 6-8PM EST on Dig Radio!)